Not so Hot!

WARNING: So lately, for about the past couple weeks, I have not enjoyed this whole pregnancy thing has not been very fun! And to think, everything I read tells me that you start feeling better during the second trimester. Well, this hasn't been the case for me yet! I have started getting pretty regular headaches, which are miserable. I have continued to have an unbelievable amount of bloating/gassy feelings. Rolaids are helpful at times, but nighttime is the worse. I was thinking it was maybe because I was eating too close to going to bed, but changing my ways still hasn't made a difference. It is very hard for me to get comfortable, and I seem to toss and turn throughout the whole night. I am also having increased "cramping" type pains in my sides. I suppose this is because my stomach is trying to allow space for a baby but right now it sure is uncomfortable.

So, moral of this post: Not sleeping well and not feeling well makes for a crabby Karyn. And Nate makes it worse. BEWARE!

15 weeks

It's been some time since I wrote, but I promise its been for good reason. We have been very busy lately. Here's a small recap.
1. On July 1, 209 (at 12 weeks) I had a doctor appointment. Finally, with the actual doctor this time. It was good to meet him. Although, as I think I've said before, we have no guarantee that he will be delivering our little one. He was pretty friendly and answered our questions. Although, I know for sure that my "pregnancy brain" has kicked in because the few questions I wanted to ask didn't get asked. Or maybe because at this visit we heard our baby's heartbeat for the FIRST time. We were caught up with hearing that wonderful sound, and getting some much needed reassurance. The doctor said the heartbeat was around 150 bpm. And he also told us that our risk of miscarriage at this point has dropped significantly, from about 25% to 5%. He also told us that he feels confident we can share our news with people now!!!
2. On July 3, 2009 we flew to Arcadia for a week+ vacation. Much needed, I must say. We were able to see all my immediate family, except my older sister. We had pretty good weather and besides that just did a lot of relaxation. It's funny to me that all those summer drinks now look so appealing!! We shared our good news with all my brothers and sisters. And swore them all to secrecy. My second youngest sister thinks like me: She wanted to know if we were sure if the baby "would actually come this time?" All we can do is pray.
3. While over in MI, Nate and I decided to take a couple days and visit Macinac Island. We had very nice weather, did a lot of walking.... and some eating of course. And despite having a haunted room at our bed and breakfast (#7) we had a good time seeing the sites and traveling back in time.
4. On July 16, 2009 (back home) my Grandma and Aunt came to have lunch and see our new house. It was so nice to see them. It had been about 6 months since I had seen my grandma. Plus, I was able to tell her, in person, our great news. My grandma has been very supportive after our past struggles. And for my birthday this past year, had given my a "hope angel". I think of her every time I see it. And believe me, we have much to be hopeful for!
5. On July 17, 2009, Nate and I celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary. How does that happen? Time flies. Because I haven't been feeling well lately I wasn't up to do much. We did go to a movie (UP) and then grabbed an appetizer (or 2) afterward. I thought at one point that this will be our last anniversary before parenthood. I get more excited everyday!!!

Below are some pictures of our past few weeks. Enjoy!

  

10 weeks

10 weeks already.... sadly it really is more like, "Only 10 weeks?" 

Apparently, this is what 10 weeks brings us: Baby’s crown to rump length is 2.5-3.0 cm. Your baby weighs about 3-5 grams. All of your baby’s organ systems are present now. Your baby’s facial features are formed now. Right now, your baby’s head is very large in comparison to the rest of her body. Your baby’s head makes up half of your baby’s size.

This past weekend we had the opportunity to see my sister and her husband, and their son Connor. Also, my sister Kalyn came over. WHY? To assist me in baby-sitting Conner for the day while Kate and Patrick were at a wedding. He is already almost 4 months old. And lets just say, it was a good experience. To add to our chaos, Nate and I have a new 4-legged baby. We adopted an 8 week old puppy from the humane society. Her name is Eleanor. Not only have we already had to take her to the vet for IV fluids, and antibiotics, she is now growing into a real handful. They say a puppy is good experience for a baby. If so, I am in trouble! I don't have the most patience for her. Especially when I just get in from taking her outside and she pees on the floor 2 minutes later. GRRR. 

A couple pictures are posted below: 

8 Weeks

Today, I am 8 weeks pregnant. My mom called today while I was at work and informed me, "8 down, 32 to go." Thanks, right?!?! I am continuing to not feel well, which I know is a good thing. However, it is getting annoying. I am feeling a little better throughout the day, but sleeping is a battle. I struggle getting to sleep and toss and turn a lot. I have become a very light sleeper as well. Bad combination. I continue to go to the bathroom at least 3 times a night!

I read a week by week pregnancy update. At 8 weeks it says: "Baby’s crown to rump length is 12 mm. Baby weighs about 1 gram. Baby’s external ears are forming. Her/His primary or “baby” teeth buds are forming now. Her/His permanent teeth buds will be formed later. Baby’s optic nerve and eye lids are also forming. You can’t feel your baby moving yet but her/his arms and legs are moving now."

Isn't that crazy to think about!!! At the ultrasound (almost a week ago) I was pretty sure I could make out the eyes and arms. Now to think that those arms and legs are moving is just amazing! It is so much fun to imagine and think about all the changes that are taking place. We are praying that the little ones heart continues to beat so he/she continues to grow and develop.

I had my first doctor appointment on Friday, May 29th. The visit was just an initial consultation with the RN. Now let me preface this with saying I left the best OB-GYN and staff when we had to move to Madison. All of our suffering would have been ten times worse if it hadn't been for their support, education and availability. My OB-GYN would call me just to check on me. I told my husband that I would do anything to continue to see him. Unfortunately, the 2 hour drive and the fact that my insurance would not cover them has sort of eliminated that idea. So, I am meeting with this nurse, who was pleasant, but just wasn't what I needed. She was disorganized and a bit cold. Now maybe I am just overreacting (not like that happens during pregnancy at all) but after I left I just felt so uneasy. Hopefully my next appointment on June 10th will go better. I still won't even see the OB-GYN until I am at 12 weeks!!!! So of course, after I left my first appointment, I called my old OB-GYN and spoke with his nurse, Molly. She made me feel so much better!!!!

First Ultrasound Was Today

After a few sleepless nights and an uncomfortable trip to the clinic this morning, we finally had our first ultrasound today. It was the fourth time, I believe, that we have been through that process, but this time was arguably the most stressful for me. I know that Karyn was also very nervous about the appointment. I will let her speak for herself if she decides to write a separate post later.

Our appointment was at 10am and since it was closer to Madison than it was to Stoughton we drove separately to the clinic. We arrived 30 minutes early thinking that paperwork would be required. It was not and we were called into the ultrasound room within minutes of arriving. The technician was very friendly and she kept us informed as she was doing her stuff. I am not going to go into the details since it is probably safe to assume that most people are familiar with how they perform an ultrasound at the 7 week mark of a pregnancy. In any event, even though it was the fourth time I have been in the room looking at the images on the screen, I am still very unsure as to what I am looking at for pretty much the entire time. They look at a variety of different things, they take measurements, and pictures, etc. Eventually she focused in on the uterus where she located and measured the baby. She projected, based on the measurement, that the baby was at 7 weeks and 1 day. You cannot hear the heart beat at this stage of pregnancy but somehow the ultrasound measured the heart rate to be in the 150 bpm range. The technician sounded very optimistic and she quickly said "congratulations you two" as she printed off an image of the baby. After she handed the image to Karyn she exited the room to show the images to the doctor to see if there was anything the doctor saw that could be a concern. By the time the technician left the room I felt myself start to lose the grip I had on my guarded emotions. When the door closed my eyes filled up and I put my head in my hands. It was not a full-blown exhale, but it was a release of emotion that lasted long enough for me to cry a few tears of joy that I had grown somewhat doubtful I would ever get the opportunity to cry.

When you've experienced loss and you're back in a similar position it is difficult to feel anything other than fear. I was scared this morning. More scared than I can ever remember being in my life because I was completely powerless. That is why I remain guarded and cautiously optimistic. I'm still hopeful and positive. You have to be even if you know bad news will crush you. I have to believe that this will be the time for our blessing. Karyn say me tear up and cry. She laid on the bed, strong as ever, and she asked me "are you happy buddy?" I can safely say that I have never been asked an easier question in my life. Yes, I am beyond happy. Yet, each day, each week, each month are small little emotional battlefields that lie ahead.

In closing, all I can say is that today was a good day. I know that I will exhale even more in a few weeks when we pass the mark of our last pregnancy. Then I will exhale a bit more when we get to 12 weeks, then 16, then 20, etc. I'll try to scan and post the ultrasound picture tonight when I get home. I also hope that we can share this news with everyone very soon.

Taking Things for Granted

I tend to travel down the path of self-reflection from time to time. Most often these trips are sparked by an event or circumstance in my life or the life of someone around me. I always realize very soon into my reflection that I take so many things in life for granted. I don't think about the lights turning on, the water coming out of the facet, my car starting, my eyes opening, or that I will always wake up next to my beautiful wife. For the longest time I assumed that being able to start a family was just something that everyone who wanted to was able to do. I know that is naive, but I truly wasn't fully appreciative of the blessing that it is to become a parent.

I have been guilty of holding many faulty views about life and how it is "supposed" to be. I'm not sure if I have ever looked at something so wrongly in my whole life. See, I used to look at life as a series of little battles. Each of the little battles had a dedicated topic and a identifiable goal. The first battle was growing up with a solid education. Then I went off to college to add to that education. A large part of college was preparing me for law school, so when I received my bachelor's degree I parlayed that into a law degree. At that stage the education chapter was closed. However along the way I started on the next battle frontier: marriage. So now I'm an attorney and I'm married, all is well. It had to be time to become a home owner at some point, so that is what we did next. This is when things started to detour from the plan a bit. I'm four years older than Karyn. When I graduated from law school and when we were married she still had three years of school left in year doctorate of physical therapy program. That meant we were each in different phases of our lives. That fact, coupled with my burning desire for knowledge, led me to reenroll in academia to pursue a master's degree in taxation.

My reason for mentioning all of this is to make one small point. I always thought there was a "better time" to start a family. I thought it would be better to wait until we were "settled down." I would routinely answer questions from friends and family with a variation of "we shall see." Then last year happened. I'm not saying that we experienced those losses because we tried to plan our life. I'm just saying that sometimes we need to let go of the wheel and let a higher power guide us home. I am not the most religious man on the planet by any stretch, yet I understand and appreciate the role that God plays in my life. I was angry and hurt for many months last year because I couldn't understand why God would allow us to lose two pregnancies in a span of 5 months. At some point I came to the realization that it wasn't His intent for us to suffer and that He only gave us as much as we could handle. The silver lining was that is provided me with yet another opportunity to appreciate all of the blessings that He has provided me. I do not take life for granted. I do not take love for granted. And I do not take having a child for granted. I believe that it will happen for us this time and when it does I will receive the blessing with open arms.

That reminds me of a poster I saw at the Syttende Mai festival in Stoughton, WI this last weekend. The picture above contains the same passage about the shortness of life. I'm not in the business of telling people how they should look at life, but for my money it is much better to cherish and appreciate all the blessing that we have.

And time marches on

So, it’s been a little while since I've updated. On Tuesday afternoon, I went back in to have my Beta HcG level drawn again. I called the doctors office on Wednesday. After about an hour they called back to let me know my levels are looking great. On Friday, my levels were roughly 800. And on Tuesday, my levels were roughly 7,000!!!!

And, to top that off, I am definitely feeling pregnant. I do not feel well - almost all the time. I don't have nausea but my stomach is uneasy all the time. I have daily sickness, not just morning :) And I know that's a good thing. It means my hormones are changing and preparing for this pregnancy. So I say, bring on the yuckiness!!! Also, I go to the bathroom so many times a day! I used to laugh at how often my husband had to use the bathroom.... no one is laughing now! I get up at least 2-3 times a night. Grrr :)

I told my mom I was pregnant on Wednesday, after I got the good news about my lab values. Because of how early on the pregnancy is, I was really debating waiting to tell her. However, my mom and I are close - very close. And if something goes wrong, I will want her to be able to help me. Even though she and I live far apart now, she will still help.

Now, we play the waiting game. As long as nothing goes array, I will not have any further testing done until the ultrasound, which is scheduled on May 27, 2009. I will be anxiously counting down the days until then. I hope to see that the baby is in the uterus - and not my fallopian tube. I hope to see a heartbeat. I hope we get a due date. I hope we hear everything looks great. I hope I hope I hope....