First Ultrasound Was Today

After a few sleepless nights and an uncomfortable trip to the clinic this morning, we finally had our first ultrasound today. It was the fourth time, I believe, that we have been through that process, but this time was arguably the most stressful for me. I know that Karyn was also very nervous about the appointment. I will let her speak for herself if she decides to write a separate post later.

Our appointment was at 10am and since it was closer to Madison than it was to Stoughton we drove separately to the clinic. We arrived 30 minutes early thinking that paperwork would be required. It was not and we were called into the ultrasound room within minutes of arriving. The technician was very friendly and she kept us informed as she was doing her stuff. I am not going to go into the details since it is probably safe to assume that most people are familiar with how they perform an ultrasound at the 7 week mark of a pregnancy. In any event, even though it was the fourth time I have been in the room looking at the images on the screen, I am still very unsure as to what I am looking at for pretty much the entire time. They look at a variety of different things, they take measurements, and pictures, etc. Eventually she focused in on the uterus where she located and measured the baby. She projected, based on the measurement, that the baby was at 7 weeks and 1 day. You cannot hear the heart beat at this stage of pregnancy but somehow the ultrasound measured the heart rate to be in the 150 bpm range. The technician sounded very optimistic and she quickly said "congratulations you two" as she printed off an image of the baby. After she handed the image to Karyn she exited the room to show the images to the doctor to see if there was anything the doctor saw that could be a concern. By the time the technician left the room I felt myself start to lose the grip I had on my guarded emotions. When the door closed my eyes filled up and I put my head in my hands. It was not a full-blown exhale, but it was a release of emotion that lasted long enough for me to cry a few tears of joy that I had grown somewhat doubtful I would ever get the opportunity to cry.

When you've experienced loss and you're back in a similar position it is difficult to feel anything other than fear. I was scared this morning. More scared than I can ever remember being in my life because I was completely powerless. That is why I remain guarded and cautiously optimistic. I'm still hopeful and positive. You have to be even if you know bad news will crush you. I have to believe that this will be the time for our blessing. Karyn say me tear up and cry. She laid on the bed, strong as ever, and she asked me "are you happy buddy?" I can safely say that I have never been asked an easier question in my life. Yes, I am beyond happy. Yet, each day, each week, each month are small little emotional battlefields that lie ahead.

In closing, all I can say is that today was a good day. I know that I will exhale even more in a few weeks when we pass the mark of our last pregnancy. Then I will exhale a bit more when we get to 12 weeks, then 16, then 20, etc. I'll try to scan and post the ultrasound picture tonight when I get home. I also hope that we can share this news with everyone very soon.

Taking Things for Granted

I tend to travel down the path of self-reflection from time to time. Most often these trips are sparked by an event or circumstance in my life or the life of someone around me. I always realize very soon into my reflection that I take so many things in life for granted. I don't think about the lights turning on, the water coming out of the facet, my car starting, my eyes opening, or that I will always wake up next to my beautiful wife. For the longest time I assumed that being able to start a family was just something that everyone who wanted to was able to do. I know that is naive, but I truly wasn't fully appreciative of the blessing that it is to become a parent.

I have been guilty of holding many faulty views about life and how it is "supposed" to be. I'm not sure if I have ever looked at something so wrongly in my whole life. See, I used to look at life as a series of little battles. Each of the little battles had a dedicated topic and a identifiable goal. The first battle was growing up with a solid education. Then I went off to college to add to that education. A large part of college was preparing me for law school, so when I received my bachelor's degree I parlayed that into a law degree. At that stage the education chapter was closed. However along the way I started on the next battle frontier: marriage. So now I'm an attorney and I'm married, all is well. It had to be time to become a home owner at some point, so that is what we did next. This is when things started to detour from the plan a bit. I'm four years older than Karyn. When I graduated from law school and when we were married she still had three years of school left in year doctorate of physical therapy program. That meant we were each in different phases of our lives. That fact, coupled with my burning desire for knowledge, led me to reenroll in academia to pursue a master's degree in taxation.

My reason for mentioning all of this is to make one small point. I always thought there was a "better time" to start a family. I thought it would be better to wait until we were "settled down." I would routinely answer questions from friends and family with a variation of "we shall see." Then last year happened. I'm not saying that we experienced those losses because we tried to plan our life. I'm just saying that sometimes we need to let go of the wheel and let a higher power guide us home. I am not the most religious man on the planet by any stretch, yet I understand and appreciate the role that God plays in my life. I was angry and hurt for many months last year because I couldn't understand why God would allow us to lose two pregnancies in a span of 5 months. At some point I came to the realization that it wasn't His intent for us to suffer and that He only gave us as much as we could handle. The silver lining was that is provided me with yet another opportunity to appreciate all of the blessings that He has provided me. I do not take life for granted. I do not take love for granted. And I do not take having a child for granted. I believe that it will happen for us this time and when it does I will receive the blessing with open arms.

That reminds me of a poster I saw at the Syttende Mai festival in Stoughton, WI this last weekend. The picture above contains the same passage about the shortness of life. I'm not in the business of telling people how they should look at life, but for my money it is much better to cherish and appreciate all the blessing that we have.

And time marches on

So, it’s been a little while since I've updated. On Tuesday afternoon, I went back in to have my Beta HcG level drawn again. I called the doctors office on Wednesday. After about an hour they called back to let me know my levels are looking great. On Friday, my levels were roughly 800. And on Tuesday, my levels were roughly 7,000!!!!

And, to top that off, I am definitely feeling pregnant. I do not feel well - almost all the time. I don't have nausea but my stomach is uneasy all the time. I have daily sickness, not just morning :) And I know that's a good thing. It means my hormones are changing and preparing for this pregnancy. So I say, bring on the yuckiness!!! Also, I go to the bathroom so many times a day! I used to laugh at how often my husband had to use the bathroom.... no one is laughing now! I get up at least 2-3 times a night. Grrr :)

I told my mom I was pregnant on Wednesday, after I got the good news about my lab values. Because of how early on the pregnancy is, I was really debating waiting to tell her. However, my mom and I are close - very close. And if something goes wrong, I will want her to be able to help me. Even though she and I live far apart now, she will still help.

Now, we play the waiting game. As long as nothing goes array, I will not have any further testing done until the ultrasound, which is scheduled on May 27, 2009. I will be anxiously counting down the days until then. I hope to see that the baby is in the uterus - and not my fallopian tube. I hope to see a heartbeat. I hope we get a due date. I hope we hear everything looks great. I hope I hope I hope....

Cautious Optimism

As you can gather from Karyn's initial post there is great reason to be excited at this time. I am sure that I do not always show how excited or happy that this recent news has made me, but that is more of a defense mechanism than a true representation of my emotion. The year 2008 will always remind me of two things above anything else and they are not things I would wish on anyone. They both related to our attempts to start a family. As Karyn briefly mentioned those attempts ended in heartache. For anyone who has ever experienced the loss of a pregnancy, either through a miscarriage or through an ectopic, you have an understanding of what it was like for us. Unfortunately, we experienced both losses within a five month period.

Yet here we are nearing the middle of 2009 and we have been given another opportunity. It is no doubt still early in the process and we are not close to being ready to tell the world about this great news, but we are hopeful and we are optimistic. Eventually the pain from 2008 will chip away and the joy that 2009 holds will begin to shine brightly. Eventually I will be able to close my eyes and not see the sadness and heartbreak that I saw in my wife's eyes last May.

I have always heard that adversity tends to either bring people together or push them apart. I wish I could say that this adversity always drew Karyn and I together, but that would not be entirely true. We did draw as close as we'd ever been as we grieved the losses. Then over time the grief and sadness turned to doubt and despair as we tried for months to get pregnant without success. At some point in the not so distant past we nearly gave up. Thankfully we kept fighting to stay together. For anyone that knows Karyn and I you could probably guess that our relationship has and always will be interesting. We're both alike and different in so many ways. Yet at the end of the day it is hard to imagine that any couple loves each other as much as we do.

So as we proceed down this path for the third time in 18 months I do so with cautious optimism. In the near future this blog will go "live" and we'll do our best to share our thoughts, feelings, and experiences with anyone who cares to read it. It will be an unguarded look at something usually kept close to the vest. Regardless of the outcome we'll need the love and support of our friends and family as we embark on this tremendous journey.

Good News

On Thursday night, May 7, 2009 I took a pregnancy test after being a little late. The test was positive. My husband and I have been down this road before. Twice to be exact. Both did not end the way we hoped.

Back in December of 2007, I had an ectopic pregnancy. Luckily it was caught early enough, but it ended up being a very long process. I became pregnant shortly following the resolution of the ectopic pregnancy. However, at around 10 weeks, on May 7, 2008 (yes, creepy) I found out I had a miscarriage. While we don't have any answers as to why this happened (which is usually the case) I believe it was at least partly due to the methotrexate injection I was given back in January 2008 in order to resolve the ectopic pregnancy. We'll never know for sure....

Typical emotions after finding out you are pregnant I believe range from pure excitement to pure fear. Unfortunately, because of my history, I have been primarily in the fear category. Don't get me wrong, my husband and I want to have a baby more than anything, its just that once you have had your heart broken you try to be, as my husband says, "cautiously optimistic."

On Friday, May 8, I already had to go in and have labs drawn. I do not know the results yet, but they will primarily be looking at my beta HCG quant levels. I will have repeat lab draws on Tuesday, May 12 in order to compare to Fridays value. Hopefully there will be quite a difference. I will keep you posted!