First Ultrasound Was Today

After a few sleepless nights and an uncomfortable trip to the clinic this morning, we finally had our first ultrasound today. It was the fourth time, I believe, that we have been through that process, but this time was arguably the most stressful for me. I know that Karyn was also very nervous about the appointment. I will let her speak for herself if she decides to write a separate post later.

Our appointment was at 10am and since it was closer to Madison than it was to Stoughton we drove separately to the clinic. We arrived 30 minutes early thinking that paperwork would be required. It was not and we were called into the ultrasound room within minutes of arriving. The technician was very friendly and she kept us informed as she was doing her stuff. I am not going to go into the details since it is probably safe to assume that most people are familiar with how they perform an ultrasound at the 7 week mark of a pregnancy. In any event, even though it was the fourth time I have been in the room looking at the images on the screen, I am still very unsure as to what I am looking at for pretty much the entire time. They look at a variety of different things, they take measurements, and pictures, etc. Eventually she focused in on the uterus where she located and measured the baby. She projected, based on the measurement, that the baby was at 7 weeks and 1 day. You cannot hear the heart beat at this stage of pregnancy but somehow the ultrasound measured the heart rate to be in the 150 bpm range. The technician sounded very optimistic and she quickly said "congratulations you two" as she printed off an image of the baby. After she handed the image to Karyn she exited the room to show the images to the doctor to see if there was anything the doctor saw that could be a concern. By the time the technician left the room I felt myself start to lose the grip I had on my guarded emotions. When the door closed my eyes filled up and I put my head in my hands. It was not a full-blown exhale, but it was a release of emotion that lasted long enough for me to cry a few tears of joy that I had grown somewhat doubtful I would ever get the opportunity to cry.

When you've experienced loss and you're back in a similar position it is difficult to feel anything other than fear. I was scared this morning. More scared than I can ever remember being in my life because I was completely powerless. That is why I remain guarded and cautiously optimistic. I'm still hopeful and positive. You have to be even if you know bad news will crush you. I have to believe that this will be the time for our blessing. Karyn say me tear up and cry. She laid on the bed, strong as ever, and she asked me "are you happy buddy?" I can safely say that I have never been asked an easier question in my life. Yes, I am beyond happy. Yet, each day, each week, each month are small little emotional battlefields that lie ahead.

In closing, all I can say is that today was a good day. I know that I will exhale even more in a few weeks when we pass the mark of our last pregnancy. Then I will exhale a bit more when we get to 12 weeks, then 16, then 20, etc. I'll try to scan and post the ultrasound picture tonight when I get home. I also hope that we can share this news with everyone very soon.